Today I feel angry. As a matter of fact lately I've been feeling angry most of the time. Angry and sad. Sometimes I feel like I hate everybody around me except maybe my cat. Or my boyfriend's dog. Or my niece who will be seven on the 8th of December.
December and Christmas. I always liked Christmas time, except the time when I was mad with God for my father's death. But these days I was actually looking forward to decorating the Christmas tree. Although I wouldn't be able to buy any new decorations just like last year or the year before that. Who needs new Christmas decorations when you can use the same ones as the ones you used ten years ago, right? Christmas is about family and friends and love and joy and FUCK IT. Why can't I buy a new fucking Christmas tree with brand new shinning lights like some people do? Why can't I go to London or Paris? I can't even afford the fucking ticket for the Nutcracker ballet. And you know what? I know that we live in a shit world where only a few have the money and the power but it really sucks to be on the other side. And what sucks even more is not to be able to do something to change your life just because some decided that the country I live in must be bought out without giving a shit about destroying a few million people in the process.
Forget about decorations and travels and presents you will say, as long as you have each other. Well WRONG. The first thing you learn about being poor is that friends and acquaintances magically disappear. They don't want to make you feel bad just because they can afford going out for drinks twice a week and you don't. You on the other hand don't want to make them feel bad just because they have a job and you don't. So the phone rings fewer times and finally stops ringing at all. People don't want to hang around people who have problems. That is the sad truth. That's why you learn to hide the fact that you are poor. You can't say hi, I'm poor, how about you? As you can't say hi, I'm Lila and I have depression. I remember a time when I said it to a girl, well not exactly like that, and she laughed and asked me what I meant. I said the one which is diagnosed and goes with pills.I remember her face. People don't stay around people who have depression either. But that's another story.
I don't know the exact reason for writing this but I do know that I don't feel so angry any more. This is the point where I would say let us all wish for the best and have a Merry Christmas but I won't. Because there are so many out there who deserve shoving the Christmas tree up their butt.